God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
