Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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