I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize