you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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