My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
