Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
