True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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