What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
