I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
