My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
