i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
