Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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