you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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