I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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