I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
