i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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