The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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