things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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