Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
