i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this hospital has no fireball
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
