I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize