You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
