just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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