Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
