just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
