thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
