Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
