How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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