I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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