I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize