Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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