I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
