The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
