rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize