Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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