got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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