new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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