My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
