please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
