Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
