I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
