How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
