you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
