she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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