today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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