I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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