Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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