Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
