Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
