He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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