I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
