There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
