i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
