We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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