I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My dick has a subreddit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
