if i can run in heels then i can drive
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
