Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
