I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
