remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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