my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
