My balls are so social today.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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