I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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