I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
