He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
