is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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