Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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