I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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